There's something about endings that are so bitter. It's that idea of a finality, of a closing curtain, of an ending chapter, that fills me with uncertainty and reminds me of my own mortality and inadequacies. Had a hard break up? I'm the problem. Lost a job? I'm a failure and will end up nowhere. The death of a loved one? I'm going to die.
Endings cause me to doubt everything about myself. They leave an empty hole inside which becomes difficult to process or feel, so I just try to repress it as hard as I can. I view endings as something to be cautious of, as something to put to the back of my mind and avoid at all costs possible. I will sit in a toxic relationship or a job until the end because when the thoughts seep through to the forefront of my brain, they always leave me with questions of 'what if'. What if this person was good for me and I just looked at everything wrong? What if this job was the best I could do? What if this person was alive and here right now, how would I show them what they meant to me?
It's the 'Grass is Greener' conundrum and I am fully aware of it.
Sometimes, it would be nice to be given a lens that showed what path a and path b would lead to and which would be the worse pain. When we don't know, we think that we would've done things differently had we known certain circumstances, but would we really have? Or would we have just made new mistakes that we would hold further regret over.
In my case, I lost two very important people in my life that I still actively think about. I never realized how ingrained something is in my day-to-day until I truly felt its loss. I was recently told to view grief as a moving ball and emotions as a square box (or to milennials: the bouncing logo screensaver on a PC). The ball starts out massive and it feels like it constantly hitting the sides of your feelings, but overtime it gets smaller and smaller and hits the sides less often. Unfortunately though, even though it gets smaller, the extent of pain you feel when it hits the sides doesn't lessen. So while I know there is no timeline to grief, it doesn't make it hurt any less.
We all heard of the 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, but we don't talk about the guilt.
When we are angry, we feel justified in our emotions and, sometimes, when there is a lead up to an ending, the final moments can only end in anger. But once the calm has settled in, we start to think of the good moments, of the happy times, of the things we were grateful for. We begin to realize how deep-seated this person was in our day-to-day life. I mean everyone who has experienced a deep loss knows the feeling of going to your call log to call a person that you immediately realize is gone from your life.
With the anger subsiding, we feel the guilt. If it was a fight, we start to second guess who we are as people--am I the toxic one? Was I fake? Was I cruel? Could I have done something differently to keep this person in my life? How could I want nothing to do with them but also feel so much love inside towards them?
One of the people I lost was through a fight. I was told by family and friends that I wasn't in the wrong and that they noticed the red flags in the person, but I still feel like no one knew this person as well as I did. They didn't understand this person because they weren't calming them down, comforting them, laughing with them, and genuinely rooting for their happiness as much as I did. The deep-seated guilt of what I should have done better and of what I could've changed in myself plagues my mind constantly and leaves me with this empty loneliness.
The other person I lost passed away. With her, the guilt is still prevalent but very different. There was no conflict, there was just love and loss. Going from talking with her constantly, from visiting her home and smelling the buttery pastries baking in the oven, from feeling her warm hugs, to nothing....is unbearable some days. Knowing I'll never see her again and knowing what I could've done differently to show her my love and appreciation is nearly torturous. I remember the times I couldn't pick up the phone, the times I couldn't visit, the times I got annoyed with what she said, and the guilt sits within.
However, I've also realized that guilt leads to a lot of black and white thinking and that realization has helped my grieving process tremendously.
When we reflect, we only focus on one thing--either just the good or just the bad, but our lives are an interweaving web of happy and sad moments, of perfection and flaws.
With a relationship that ended, we think 'they were so good to me' and 'I was cruel'. Instead we can say 'well, they were good to me at times and they were bad to me at other times' or 'I was sensitive to their needs and I could've been more sensitive in scenario x,y,z'. Reflection is only helpful when there is something to learn from. When we just knock ourselves down, there is nothing to learn, there is just more to hate in ourselves. With the person I lost through a fight, I realized that I could've been more direct and less avoidant of confrontation AND I felt unsafe to be myself and upset with how insensitive they were. Two things can exist. I felt guilt over how my friend reacted and I am justified in my hurt over how I was immediately judged for speaking up. I had amazing memories and I had incredibly hurtful ones--two things can exist.
With a passing of a loved one, the same mindset helps process the loss. I did everything I could to show this person I loved them and I can be sad at the moments I possibly missed out on. I missed her phone calls AND I made her laugh and smile when I picked up. I cancelled on her at times AND had some of the most amazing talks over tea for hours.
We can have both the good and the bad.
My dash of advice for today, especially if you faced a massive loss in your life, is to reflect in a way that is kind to you. Talk to yourself like you would talk to your best friend, because I am positive that you would never say to them those cruel judgmental words that you say to yourself. Let yourself think of the happy moments without shaming yourself for how you could've missed out on more. Stay strong, and be kind to yourself through this process so that hopefully that massive bouncing logo will become a mere pixel on your display.
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