So the study has commenced.
It has been an eventful week one to say the least—a full rollercoaster...one you’d find at Universal Studios, not Six Flags.
You think it’s going to be a fairly low-key family-friendly Minions ride, until suddenly, there is giant drop straight into a T-Rex’s mouth and your first thought is “Oh no, I think I'm in Jurassic World”.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In just one week, I learned a lot about my habits, my thoughts, even my fears (apparently not yogurt, who knew). I had a breakdown and a build up. I felt incredible and horrible.
But the most important thing is that I did it.
I freaking did it.
I passed my first full week. *Cue the confetti exploding.*
I came into the study feeling like I would be restricted, so on my last day of baseline week, I “pigged” out.
I was terrified that I’ll never be able to eat these things again which is why I needed to have that fried chicken just one last time. Then, my friend was quick to remind me that it's the exact opposite of what we’re trying to do with this study.
She put it in an amazing way. She said that with the scarcity mentality you feel like you have to go to the extreme excess, because you’re about to go into extreme deprivation. But as she said, “you don’t hold your breath because you were scared you won’t get the next one”.
Just cause you don't have something now, doesn't mean you'll never have it again. In fact, when you do have it again, it'll be even more satisfying.
And that shifted a lot for me.
Especially regarding my identity and "concept of self" (as my friend put it). For the study, she introduces an idea of how to incorporate mindfulness into the upcoming week. This first week was about that very idea--identity.
There is a thought distortion known as labeling. It is as it sounds--you label something in your head for every thought, feeling, or action. For example, "I got a C on that test, I am so stupid" or "I can't fit in this dress, I am so fat".
These are all thoughts that slip by undetected and yet play a vital role in shaping how we identify ourselves.
You got the C on the test, and, for a quick second, you'll say you're stupid. Then, you'll repeat that every time you make a mistake. Then, you'll start to believe that you are a stupid person, and guess what happens? You fail another test and say "See? It is true, I am stupid".
But, what happens if you get the A? Well, you'll tell yourself "I got lucky" or "It was easy for everyone" and you begin to discredit the very things that disprove the identity you've created for yourself. And because of that self-inflicted identity, you miss the very actions you do that contradict it.
Following with the "I am stupid" label: You say you're stupid and don't realize that you actually spend your evenings reading novels. You say you're stupid but you. got. the. A.
How many of us let our little thoughts develop our big identities? How many of us claim we hate something and yet every time we see it, we like it? And how many times have we ignored the signs that show us who we really are?
I don't know if it's that way for everyone or even you, the person reading this, but it definitely is that way for me. I always labeled myself as someone who loves to cook, yet if I love cooking so much, how come I ordered out every day of baseline week?
This study definitely made me re-evaluate my relationship with cooking amongst other things.
Do I even like cooking? Is it just something I'm good at and like the praise from? Do I label myself as the 'fat girl' and then let my shame re-affirm those moments when I am eating junk food? Am I an emotional eater even though I say I am not? I am not a dessert person, but why is every meal I track followed up with a sweet snack?
Who am I?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I always labeled healthy food with terms like “restrictive” or “diet”, and the recipes were always some kind of bland salad or wrap. It never looked good. So I always said "healthy food tastes bad". And for the person saying that salads are so delicious...well, if you had a cheesy regular slice of pizza and a salad in front of you, which would you grab?
Exactly.
That's why I've gone into this study saying "Okay, I tough out these three months with the bland food and then I'll feel okay".
I am wrong. I admit it okay, salad people? You have a point.
Healthy food doesn't have to be bland and it doesn't just have to be rabbit food.
Ironically, that is what inspired me to start cooking for myself.
This first week I survived off high-protein/healthy meal kits from Factor75 with snacks that supplemented those kits. I struggled to eat but I snacked a lot, because "I always eat so little" (a label I've self-inflicted). When I was told to try my best to eat until full, I started to wonder during the meal, am I full? What does full feel like? I genuinely don't know. So, I played a game with myself when I'd eat. It's called "Do I want the snack?" and it's a really simple game. I eat until I'm "full", then I ask myself "Do I want [insert snack]?". If the answer is yes, I keep eating. If the answer is no, I stop.
Now, I know when I'm full and I don't "eat so little" like I thought, so that's progress and change #1 to my identity.
Change #2 happened pretty quickly as I realized that I am a dessert person, I'm just not a diabetic-coma-inducing dessert person which is how I always associated "dessert people" to be for some reason. The idea of chocolate ice cream with caramel and fudge and cookies and brownies sounds horrible to me, but a sponge cake with fruit and whipped cream? Yum. I realized that in my culture (and many cultures I assume), we would follow every meal with a cup of tea and an assortment of fruits and sweets. So I normalized that and said "well, I don't like chocolate sundaes or red velvet cakes so I'm not a dessert person", but...I guess I am. I also said "I don't like peanut butter", yet for some reason these past two weeks, I've been craving peanut butter for almost every snack.
One of the lows hit in the middle of the week, I had something happen and broke down crying. Everything in me needed to order, the urge was unbearable. I was scrolling through Uber Eats and was ready to hit the "Pay Now" button. But, instead of giving in, I pushed out of the fear of being vulnerable and reached out to my support group. In a second, I recognized how unbelievably blessed I am to have them. The reaction times were so fast that Mr. Miyagi would have been impressed. The talk down and the comfort I needed was offered by the people in my life rather than the food on the plate. And that's how I've come to realize that despite how I identified myself, I actually am an emotional eater.
Since I tend to distance and shut down when in pain, I would see food as my source of comfort. The fact I had to restrain from that comfort and be vulnerable when I felt my worst was excruciating, but it was necessary to realizing change #3.
Near the end of the week, I noticed that I liked seeing the numbers change on my sensor and I liked how I was feeling physically. The fullness felt comfortable and satisfying. The meal kits and snack preps were stress-free. The energy in my body was increasing minutely.
Going home, I went to cook on Friday like I always and had an epiphany. I literally paused mid-searing a steak I had sous-vided (or "boiled" as my dad said).
I cook for people, and I love it. I would memorize their allergies, their likes, their dislikes, even their favorites. I would get drained and exhausted and, (depending on the quantity of guests) be in pain, but experimenting with new flavors and seeing the reactions on peoples' faces fueled me. I always saw the prep for Shabbat as the day to cook, but... I never evaluated the things I love and the recipes I want to eat on days besides Shabbat. I never partake in the meals I make, and I would always say "I don't like my own cooking" when people would notice my empty plate.
How long have I sat with that identity instead of exploring it?
Week one made me realize that I apparently do like healthy food (or at least the food I was recommended to try). It also made me realize that the food I would cook for everyone else didn't necessarily make me feel good or even feel full.
Which is the final change in my identity and how I decided to go into week 2--finding out what Erica likes. For the first time ever, I am looking to see what my needs are for my plate. Because I genuinely think if I learn that, then I will like my own cooking.
So, yeah, this week one was definitely a rollercoaster and I've come to realize there are a lot of changes to be made. That change is hard and uncomfortable (which I already felt a drop of), but I am know I am capable of doing it.
And if I already learned this much, I can't wait to see what the other 11 weeks will bring.
Future Erica--we got this.
Ex-roommate and non-friend--I'm still not naming you. Keep suffering in the silence of your anonymity.
Comments