The beautiful trilogy of emotions that have just as strong of a physical impact as it does an emotional one.
I am a typically level-headed person. I maintain my patience at all times and do the completely healthy thing where I hold in all of my emotions, thoughts, and pains. I just push it all back into a door I label "No Stress, Just Repress".
Sometimes I am scared of what will happen when I inevitably go to add yet another thing to that room, open that door, and watch all of the things burst out and topple over me. My first thought will probably be "this should be on an episode of Hoarders" followed by "I might need therapy".
Jokes aside, I am so scared to reach that breaking point and explode. I've definitely had bursts of it seeping through and the best way to describe it is someone poked a hole in my ziploc bag of liquid feels. I completely don't remember how it happened, but I'll stick some duct tape on it and keep going.
I had the burst just now by a loved one. Those are the hardest people to have poke your emotional bag (I'm liking this metaphor. Let's roll with it). The reason is because they know just the tool to create the finest puncture in you, and you don't realize that you're leaking until you suddenly feel your face burning and body shaking. Your body is just entering that fight or flight of "Defend! Defend! Defend! Danger!", you start blurting out off-topic things from months ago, and your mind completely blanks out on all logic. Then, they leave and you look down and go "Oh no, so much liquid everywhere. This hole needs so much duct tape", but by then your body reminds you that you just came from a warzone.
And having a chronic illness that is sensitive to stress triggers?
Yeah, my body feels like it literally just came from a warzone.
I'm drained, achy, and everything hurts. While my body is a potato, my mind is an athlete with how it's racing. I feel completely powerless to my body and thoughts which is so hard for a control freak like myself. The scary part of fear, anger, and depression is the way we can sit still and think or talk, and our bodies interpret it the same way as if we were trapped in a fire. Those moments when you zone out? When you look calm on the outside and inside you are in that state of "AHHFJSKLSDLFLSKD"? Your body literally reacts physically like everything around you is "AHHFJSKLSDLFLSKD". At least mine does. I'm no professional. I'm just saying how I physically feel every time.
So my dash of advice for today is to not bottle it in. Talk to someone, write a journal, seek therapy, but please don't let it fester. Let that liquid bag be empty, so you don't need the duct tape for the punctures. That's what I'm going to try to do, cause I don't want those aches and recovery sessions anymore if I don't have to have them.
And most importantly? We definitely don't want to be on an episode of mental Hoarders. It's better to get this show cancelled while we can.
